The Houston Verdict

Gettin Jiggy Wid It Since 2002

March 22, 2004

"Stone Cold" Burke Announces New Sentencing Policy

 

DA Burke starts the first day of his " Iron Cage Matches of Justice Program"

DA "Stone Cold" Kelly Burke announced his new Iron Cage Matches of Justice Program today on the steps of the Houston County Courthouse.  According to Stone Cold Burke, defendants will now be given the choice of a jury trial or a no holds barred Iron Cage match, winner take all.  If Stone Cold Burke wins, the Defendant gets a life sentence (assuming Stone Cold Burke does not beat him to death with a folding chair).  If the defendant beats Stone Cold Burke, he or she walks free.  Asked why he had made the change, Burke replied, "Cause Stone Cold Burke says so, oooh hell yeah!" 

Following his press conference, Stone Cold Burke was pitted against Bubba "Banjo Boy" Lee.  Lee faced charges of recidivist unlicensed banjo picking and opted to participate in the Iron Cage Matches of Justice Program.  The match began with Stone Cold Burke grabbing Banjo Boy by the shoulder.  Banjo Boy then stunned onlookers when he whirled around, jumped into the air and punched Stone Cold Burke in the jaw rendering him unconscious.  As he was released from jail, Banjo Boy declined comment, saying, "I just want to get back to pickin and grinnin."

Interviewed in his hospital bed regarding the future of the Iron Cage Matches of Justice Program, Stone Cold Burke had this to say, "Mmpphh mmmphh mppphhh ummmm mmmmmpphh mmmmhhhh uhhhhmmm hhhmmmm mummmppp!"

When asked to comment on the Iron Cage Matches of Justice Program, the District Attorney for a neighboring circuit stated, "Are you %@$#@* serious?  That is the stupidest %$#&*@ thing I have ever &%@$#& heard."

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As you probably know, this site is a little thing we like to call satire, it is not the Houston Home Journal nor is it District Attorney Kelly Burke's site.  It is however dedicated to illustrating the surreal nature of life with King Kelly, DA of  Houston County.  If you need this footnote to tell you this, you either rode the short bus to school or you are Kelly Burke.    This site was created on a private computer in a private home, on a private internet connection, to a privately owned domain.