The Houston Verdict

On Non-Reporting Status Since 2002

May 8, 2004

Kelly Burke Proclaims Self Commander of the "USS Impious"

Charlotte Webb
Staff Writer

-Perry, GA -

    In a press release late Thursday, Houston County District Attorney Kelly Burke announced that he had taken command of the USS Impious and should henceforth be referred to as Commander Kelly.  The press release included a photo of what appeared to be Commander Kelly aboard some sort of ship.  In the press release, Burke promised to, "patrol the seas of Houston County and to keel-haul any non-Norps I lay my spyglass across." 

    Given that Houston County is completely landlocked, an investigative reporter from the Houston Verdict was dispatched to the Houston County Judicial Complex.  Upon arrival, Burke was observed standing on a wheeled scaffold designed to resemble part of a ship.  He was being pulled around the courthouse parking lot by two assistant district attorneys while Burke shouted, "Run smartlyer ye scurvy dogs lest ye be sharkbait,  Arrrr," while a third assistant district attorney videotaped the spectacle.  When asked to comment on his "ship" Burke replied, "I can't hear you, you're underwater," and ordered his helpers to pull him to the other side of the parking lot.

    As of press time, "Commander Kelly" was still being pulled around the parking lot.

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As you probably know, this site is a little thing we like to call satire, it is not the Houston Home Journal nor is it District Attorney Kelly Burke's site.  It is however dedicated to illustrating the surreal nature of life with King Kelly, DA of  Houston County.  If you need this footnote to tell you this, you either rode the short bus to school or you are Kelly Burke.    This site was created on a private computer in a private home, on a private internet connection, to a privately owned domain.